The One With Barney and Robin
by WeBuiltThePyramids
Summary: Ross and Rachel are at the Museum of Natural History the night of the 2010 Autumn Spectacular.  They are very amused at a couple who is going around touching everything. Mostly Ross/Rachel observing the HIMYM gang, mostly Barney/Robin.


**So I was watching Natural History yesterday, and suddenly I just had to write some of the Friends people observing the antics of Barney and Robin in that episode. I tried to make everything as accurate as possible, but I've only been to the museum once so I may be a bit fuzzy on where things are located. Forgive me! This is my first Friends related fanfic and I only have minimal experience in How I Met Your Mother.**

**I own nothing. Neither of these fabulous shows.**

"No, sweetie," Rachel said, putting her finger on the paper just below the childish cursive. "That's an 'N'."

Emma pulled the paper back over to her. "No it isn't! There's two bumps."

"I see that, but you need two bumps including the little lead in from the last letter." Rachel said, pointing to the laminated ruler in front of them with the cursive alphabet on it. "See there? What you've written is 'Enna'."

The eight year old frowned. "I don't understand."

"Look," Rachel said, taking the paper from her daughter and picking up a pencil. Her hand glided across the paper and slowed down when it came time to make the M. "Lead in, bump, bump, moving on. See?" She put the pencil down. "Emma."

Emma cocked her head. "Okay."

Rachel ran her hand through the girls' hair. "Do you understand?"

"I guess."

She kissed Emma's head. "I'm sure Aunt Monica will be sure to drill the concept into you tonight."

"Are Jack and Erica coming too?" Emma asked.

"They wouldn't leave them home alone, would they?" Rachel asked, smiling. She let her daughter remain distracted for another moment or so, then tapped the paper. "I want to see Emma Geller, ten more times."

Emma frowned and picked up the pencil, getting through the first letter before jumping up at the sound of a door being opened. "Daddy!"

"Hey, sweetie!" Ross dropped down to his knees and wrapped his arms around the little girl. "Did you have a good day?"

"Mommy won't let me be done with my homework," she said.

"Ah, yeah?" Ross said, looking up at Rachel.

"Cursive dil-Emma," she said.

"Ah, Captain Cursive, huh?" Ross said, wiggling his eyebrows at Emma. "You'd better get to work on that!"

"Can I do it in my room?" She asked.

"Only if you don't bother your sister," Rachel said. "She was up all night and if she doesn't sleep now she can't go to school tomorrow." As Emma ran off, Rachel looked at Ross. "I don't think calling it Captain Cursive is going to help much."

"Hi honey, I love you too," he said pointedly.

"Oh! Sorry." She walked into his arms and put her cheek against his. "How was work?"

"Well," he said, pulling back, "I kinda wanted to talk to you about that."

"Oh yeah?" She said, grinning. "What about?" The smile fell from her face. "Oh my God. Is it bad? It's bad, isn't it? Are you fired?"

"Rach," Ross said. "I've got tenure."

"Right." She snapped back into Cheerful Mode. "So what's up?"

"Well," Ross said, "the Museum of Natural History is having this shindig tonight, that annual 'Autumn Spectacular.' It's going to be people like boaters, architects, bankers, all that, and they asked me to come in and just make sure that there is someone to talk about the artifacts, you know, if anyone has any questions, since most of the staff will be on don't-touch-that security."

Rachel cocked her head. "I thought this was going to be our night."

"Well, yeah," Ross said. "We said we'd hang out. Do you really want to go to another restaurant?" He took both of her hands. "Rach, I know we aren't having _problems_, but don't you want to shake things up a bit?"

Rachel's face turned mischevious. "Well…"

Ross laughed. "I'll think about it. But come with me to this thing. It might be fun."

Rachel looked to the side and then back to her husband. "Okay."

* * *

><p>"Wow, look at <em>this<em> place," Rachel said, hooking her elbow with Ross' as they entered the main room for the Spectacular. "And Van Smoot funded all of this?"

"Pretty much," Ross said, smiling and nodding to a security worker. "That's Daniel. I think you met him, once."

"Yes, I believe he was the guy who let me keep that old artifact I took from here in exchange for me telling ten of the female workers that I'd seen him naked and was quite impressed."

Ross laughed. "Did you really do that?"

"Please," Rachel said. "I couldn't find ten women who worked here."

"So," Ross said, looking at the group of people assembled. "Who here do you think is the most…_snotty?_"

"Hmmmm," Rachel said, pulling hair back from her eyes as she scanned the room. "That blonde chick over there. Just look at her. She thinks she's the belle of the ball."

"Oooh, good eye!" Ross said nodding. He tilted his head toward hers while still facing forward. "Check out that guy over there. I think he's one of the bankers."

"Ew," Rachel said. "He looks like one of those guys who's obsessed with either a much younger girlfriend or a dog."

"Yes, yes," Ross said, under his breath. "Very interesting."

"Did you hear that?" Rachel asked.

"What?"

"That girl over there. She just said that she and her husband once had sex over by that Egyptian exhibits."

"Well, believe me, we are _far_ from the only ones who have…well, used this museum," Ross said. "You know, when I was eleven we came here and heard this story about a kid who knocked over the blue whale. Listen some. See what these people talk about."

"_I'll write another article, don't think I don't. These corporate suits don't scare me."_

"Someone's pissed off," Rachel said through her teeth to Ross.

"Who is that, blondie?" Ross said. "Doesn't she look like that girl from House?"

"She wasn't blonde," Rachel reminded him.

"I know, but the facial structure is…never mind."

"_Look at that girl's perky and impossibly symmetrical knockers."_

"Hey!" Ross shouted at the guy who had spoken the words from about ten yards away. "That's my wife you're looking at!"

"Ross," Rachel said, "honey, I think he was talking to Boobs over in the corner."

Ross craned his head back to look around the back of Rachel's head. "Oh yeah, _wow_, look at that."

"I'd prefer you not," Rachel said.

"Sorry." Ross took a drink from his glass and handed it to her. "Sure you don't want your own?"

"Nah," she said. "The girls don't need to see me hung over." She took a sip and handed it back to Ross. "So what do we do?"

"We mingle, meander," Ross said. "If you want, we could sneak into the bug room and…shake things up a bit."

"Hmmmm," Rachel said, wiggling her eyebrows. "You serious?"

Ross shrugged. "Either that or talk to a bunch of people we don't know."

She put her head slightly to the side. "It's a toughie!" She grabbed his hand and led him toward the side room.

"Wait!" Ross said, putting up some resistance and digging his heels into the floor.

"What is it?" Rachel asked teasingly. "Suddenly fear being caught?"

"No, no," Ross said. "But look, they should!"

Rachel looked across the floor to the corner with the Egyptian exhibits, where a man and a woman were standing. "She's nice looking," Rachel said, nodding.

"No, Rach," Ross said, gesturing with his head. "They're touching that man!"

"It's a statue. I don't think he minds." She teased.

"It's not amusing you even a _little_ that they're right by the 'do not touch sign'?"

Rachel noted the sign and grinned. She leaned in towards Ross and said in a stage whisper, "I think we found out entertainment for the night."

He grinned back, nodding. "Let's get a little closer." He took Rachel's hand and they walked as quietly as possible – which wasn't hard since conversation was all around them – toward the couple in the corner. They watched as the man took the bejeweled clothing and slapped it against the statue while he the woman glanced around. Ross turned Rachel toward him and kissed her.

"What are you doing?" she hissed.

"You want them to see us?" He whispered back. "Peripheral vision. _Peripheral vision!_" They glanced sideways at the duo, who in turn were gesturing to the crowd, shocked that "no one" was noticing them."

"You wanna dance?" The woman said, taking a small step closer to the man. "Let's dance!" She put her own hand on the statue and they glared at each other.

"Hang on," Rachel said, stepping away from Ross. "I gotta record this."

"You don't have your phone."

She turned back so he was standing right in front of her. "Cover me," she whispered, and pulled her phone out from her bra. "It's multi-functional," she said in response to Ross' impressed look. She turned, facing the couple, and held her phone up like she was texting.

"Are you recording?" Ross asked.

"Yeah," she said. "Chandler will love this."

"_Diarrhea."_

Rachel and Ross' heads shot up and looked around. "Who said that?" Rachel asked. Ross shrugged.

"_Poo poo. Poo poo platter."_

"Whoever it is," Ross said, "Emma is more mature than him."

"I wouldn't bet on it," Rachel said. "Ben taught her the switching the salt and sugar trick."

"Ah yes," Ross said. "And-and where did he learn that exactly?"

Rachel turned slightly red. "Okay…" she looked down at her phone. "Damn, it's still recording." She turned it to her face. "Sorry Chandler, Mon, you just got a good ten second shot of my shoes there, so, I'm going to turn you back to these fellas and…" she rotated the camera as she spoke, Ross waving as it passed by him.

The man and woman were still trying to outdo each other in the corner, the man struggling to get his drink while still touching the statue. "This is ridiculous. We are two grown adults standing among the greatest collection of artifacts in the western hemisphere…"

"Hey, I want to meet him," Ross said, taking a step forward.

"Eh!" Rachel warned, grabbing his wrist.

The couple was staring at each other again. Then, "wanna go touch a bunch of stuff?"

The woman gave a small, stiff nod. "Yeah." They darted off.

Ross and Rachel looked at each other. "Follow?" Ross suggested.

"Hell yes!" Rachel said. She turned the phone to herself again. "That's all for now, guys, but we'll fill you in!" Stuffing the phone back in her bra, she followed Ross in pursuit.

First the duo ran over to another room and past dozens of people who didn't seem to care on the way. Ross and Rachel power walked to keep them in sight. "We're like stalkers," Ross said excitedly.

"You wish," Rachel said back, grinning. They watched as the man leaned up against the moose's hindquarters. "There's an ego on that guy," she whispered.

The couple began to pet the moose, going from its sides to its neck and back to its face. The man kissed it's nose. "Wow, Barney," said the woman. "Just wow."

"Let's see you do better," he said.

"Wait," she said, "I thought we weren't in competition anymore. Let's just touch a bunch of stuff!"

Barney seemed unsure about that, probably because he was winning. Then he shrugged. "Okay." They glanced around, and Rachel looked down at her shoes while Ross chugged the rest of his drink. Then the man, Barney, spoke again. "Turtle?"

"Ooooh!" his companion said. "Good one!" They raced to the short corner and stood alongside the turtle, beating on it like it was a drum.

"Sooo getting footage of this," Rachel said, fishing her phone out again. She trained the camera on the turtle beaters. "Dammit!" she said after a few seconds. "Damn security guard!" she shouted.

"Rach, calm down," Ross said. "Look, you got that synchronized duck-behind-the-turtle on it!"

"Speaking of…where did they go?" Rachel asked. The couple scanned the crowd. "Uh…" Ross did a three sixty. "Other room?"

"Nope!" Rachel pointed to the other end, near the moose again. Barney was astride the lion like creature, beating his chest like Tarzan, while the woman was opening beer cans on the animal's teeth. "I swear," Rachel said, "this is the best thing that's ever happened here."

Ross raised an eyebrow. "Wow."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "That didn't involve us, you know what I mean!"

"Juuuust checking," he said. Rachel took an ice cube out of his drink and put it on his head. "Oh no," he said sarcastically. "What am I gonna do now?"

She grinned and looked back at the lion. "What are_ we_ going to do?" She asked. "The girl's gone."

"Sneaky little…" Ross trailed off. "What rooms haven't they been in yet?"

"Well," Rachel said, "the museum is huge, and they've been in this one, and that one, and the entrance so…most of them!"

"Well…" Ross scanned the room again. "You look for her, I'll keep an eye on this guy."

"You just want to talk to him because he was complimenting the artifacts," Rachel accused.

Ross looked for a moment as if he was going to dispute her claim, but then caved. "Not many people do!"

Rachel closed her eyes and gave a short laugh. "Okay. See ya."

"Yeah." Ross sat down on the bench. "Oh, hey, Rach!"

She turned. "Yeah?"

"Don't be whipping that phone out when you're by yourself, okay?"

She grinned at him and melted away into the crowed. Ross leaned back and folded his hands in his lap. "Do dee do…" He looked over across the room, drawn to the only red dress in the place. She'd come in with this mischievous couple, he remembered, and that guy that was grinning at them from across the way, if his long distance sight – and memory – was still as good as it once was. Standing to the side of the red dress woman were another group of men about Ross' age. But he didn't know them. He didn't know anyone here aside from Rachel, vaguely Captain Van Smoot, and a few of the museum employees.

"Hey."

Ross jolted out of his wave of nostalgia to see Barney walking toward him. "Hey," Ross said, standing up.

"Barney. Stinson," said Barney, extending his hand.

"Dr. Ross Geller," Ross said, shaking it. "I noticed you admiring the artifacts earlier."

"Ah yes," Barney said. "You must be quite knowledgeable about them, yes?"

"Yes," Ross said. "Yes, I'd say I am. I'm more of a paleontologist, but I could definitely tell you facts about almost any artifact in here, and…"

"Good, good," Barney said, nodding. "So tell me, potential bro, are you a goody goody?"

Ross cocked his head. "Excuse me?"

"Like if someone were to, I don't know, touch something here, would you haul them off to security?"

Ross considered the question. "Well, I grew up with a sister that loved rules. And I respect good rules, don't get me wrong, but…I have done my share of…stuff, in this museum, if you know what I mean."

Barney gave a grin. "You nailed someone in here, didn't you?" He asked.

Ross blushed. "Actually, my wife, we…we had our first night together in the planetarium."

Barney's jaw dropped as slowly as his hand raised. "Up top!" Ross hesitantly returned it. "So," Barney said, "are there any carvings of boobs in this place?"

Ross was a bit surprised by the question. "Well, yes," he said. "Back nearer to the Egyptians, where you were talking about the artifacts, there's…there's a carving."

Barney nodded slowly. "Cool. Thanks, man."

"Uh-huh," Ross said, watching him go for a moment before he remembered he was supposed to be following. He kept a few paces back, wanting to shout directions to Barney as he wandered, trying to find the Egyptians again. He was almost past the carvings when he noticed them, and went in, but before he could touch the ancient stone breasts, the woman showed up with a stuffed penguin, clearly drunk.

The woman. Meaning…Ross looked behind her and saw Rachel moving toward him. "Look at the penguin!" she said. "I gave her that. Right after a couple of drinks to chug."

Ross looked at the couple, who was smirking at something that the woman had said. "You talked to her?"

"Briefly." Rachel said. "Her name's Robin."

"A-a thank you!" Robin was saying, taking something off of a tray. "Oh, none for him," she said, gesturing to the penguin. "He's stuffed." She giggled and walked away. "Stuffed!"

"What on Earth did you give her?" Ross asked Rachel.

Barney went back to the boobs.

* * *

><p>"This was fun," Rachel said as she sat on the floor with her back to the wall.<p>

Ross, sitting next to her, rolled his head to the side to see her better. "It really was."

"It's nice to know that people can be married for five years and still act like kids sometimes," Rachel said, leaning forward slightly to scratch her knee. "It's fun to get away from the girls on occasion." Ross gave a little laugh. "What?" Rachel asked.

"Just…" he cleared his throat. "I think we should hire them, or something. Barney and Robin. You know, for when Joey comes to visit. He'd be entertained."

"Don't worry," Rachel said. "Joey will get this video." She pulled it back out of her bra and let out a squeal.

"What's wrong?" Ross asked.

"I…I never turned it off!" She began hitting buttons frantically. "Everyone will be getting an _edited_ version of this video."

Ross smirked. "It's a shame that bug room is in use right now."

"Yeah," she said, glancing toward it. "But that's okay. We can't do what we did _tonight_ whenever we want."

"True," Ross said.

"Emma's so into this dinosaur stuff," Rachel said. "But I think tonight I had more fun in this museum then she did the day you let her put together those bone fragments."

Ross laughed. "Maybe." He kicked her leg gently with his foot. "You gonna be okay with her having that interest now?"

"I've accepted it," Rachel said. "I always have the other one to get interested in fashion."

"Speaking of fashion," Ross said, looking across the room again.

Robin was strutting across the room, covered in an animal skin. She stood near the statue, glancing around and looking quite proud of herself. Both Ross and Rachel realized that Barney was now in the place of the statue a split second before he moved in an attempt to scare her. They couldn't hear what he said, but his imitation of the Tut walk made both of them laugh.

Ross trailed off first. "Uh-oh," he said.

"What?"

"Look." A security guard walked up to Barney and Robin, both of whom looked alarmed. "Busted," Ross said, making fists. Next to him, Rachel started snickering. "What?" He asked. She closed her eyes and shook her head back and forth. "What, Rach, what?"

She opened her eyes and resumed the stage whisper. "If they only knew."

"Knew what?" Ross looked back over. Barney was taking off the outfit and Robin shedding the skin. Barney took it from her and rubbed it on his face. "Touched that, too!" He shouted before the guard took him by the arm.

Ross realized what Rachel was getting at and looked at her in shock. "We…we did it on those skins!"

"Mmmm-hmmm!" she said, nodding and looking proud of herself. They fell silent again. "So…" Rachel said. "Do you wanna see if they get in trouble?"

"Nah," Ross said, standing up. "We won't get into the security office. We'd best be going home."

"Okay." Rachel grabbed Ross' hand and he helped her up. "This was fun."

"Yeah," Ross said, kissing her forehead. "It was. And you know what we get to do tomorrow?"

"What?" Rachel asked.

"We get to see how good a teacher Monica is," Ross said. "If Emma writes Nuseun of Natural History, then we've found something she's not good at."

"Something Monica's not good at?" Rachel said. "If that sister of yours has to die to get her there, she will, but no matter what, Emma will be writing cursive tomorrow better than our friends Barney and Robin were entertaining us tonight."

**Hope you liked it! I saw Horrible Bosses today so I had to focus pretty hard to get back into Rachel mode, hope I did okay! :) Maybe let me know in a review?**


End file.
